Beware the Trees!

OK, let’s tell the truth. See the picture below, of the solar panels nestled amidst the trees? Bucolic as all heck.

The truth is: trees are the enemy of solar — and, I contend, of grass!trees The only thing green underneath those solar panels is the teeth of the winos and meth-heads comatose on the bare ground.

My house? No solar on it. Not just because it’s a hundred-year old historic home where I’m supposed to jump through hoops before even repairing a window. No. It’s because the trees block the sunlight so solar panels won’t work. And because these are big, tall, trees, on my neighbor’s land — I can’t cut them down! 

Sure, they provide shade and natural cooling — but they also mean no solar for me.

Evil trees. Pure evil. I could have those cool glass and steel boxes strewn all over my rooftop instead of shingles or shakes. But no.

Trees are confounding my energy independence.

And why do you suppose trees oppose solar energy? Why, for the same reason they are GLOBAL WARMING DENIERS! Because they are ADDICTED to sunlight, just as they are ADDICTED to CO2!

Oh, yes. They will do ANYTHING to get their fix of sun and CO2. Anything.

We’ve all seen trees twisted and turned, desperately reaching for more sun.

Disgusting.

And it gets worse. Why did Tallahassee languish without power for days after a storm with winds that barely exceeded a panting dog’s exhales?

Suicide trees. 

Despite the heroic efforts of the city administration, surely as nearly perfect an effort as we have ever seen, the trees just kept pulling themselves up by the roots, breaking off branches, splitting their trunks.

Trees don’t just want the sunlight and CO2. They want the soil and water, too. Global warming means more rain, more CO2, and shorter winters, all things that trees want.

eviltreesAnd if you’re a tree and you have all the sunlight, CO2 and water you can use, then what do you crave?

Fertilizer. And there’s 7 billion bags of it walking around the earth right now.

Believe me: trees are evil. They are out to GET YOU. If we’re EVER going to defeat the man-made CO2 monster — we must look the enemy in the leaf, fearlessly.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *